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'The Christmas Carol Diaries'
- By Kimball Bennion
- Trail Staff Writer
- The following is an excerpt from the recently uncovered diaries of the Ghost of Christmas Present.
December 24
Had to make another appearance again. This time it was with some bloke named Scrooge. Not sure why these rich old misers with no Christmas spirit always seem to have the most ridiculous names. I’m just glad he wasn’t another one of those idiots that keeps thinking I’m going to give them Christmas presents.
Give me a break. I mean, if they’ve already had a chat with the Ghost of Christmas Past, wouldn’t they already be in the mindset of, “Well I saw the past, I guess the next logical progression would be the here and now.” I realize “present” is a homonym, but really, if you need to learn how to be less selfish, do you really think my job would be to go about dumping gifts in your lap?
Anywho, it seemed like I scared him straight. That Tiny Tim fellow always seems to get the job done. A real tear-jerker, he is.
I don’t tell this to Past and Future, of course, but my job is the most important of the three of us. The past? What is that? As if these people don’t have a memory. “Yeah, I remember when I chose money over the love of my life. I don’t need you playing that one over for me again.”
Future? He’s just a gimmick. He dresses up in that grim reaper get-up, doesn’t say a word the whole time and plays them the same scene of them dying alone with no one at their funeral.- He just switches the names on the tombstone to make it seem more personal. May as well dial a 1-900 number if you ask me.
I’m the only one that really goes into the future anyway. I may be called the Ghost of Christmas Present, but it’s not really the present present. It’s more like a couple of hours from now. I pop into their bedrooms at one in the morning, so really, what is there to see at that time? No one wants to see Bob Cratchett snoozing on Christmas Eve. What kind of a lesson will that teach you? So I go just a few hours ahead, when people are up doing their Christmas-type things.
I mean, I guess you could see what people are up to on Christmas without my help, but you’d just look like a stalker. I’m the one who makes you invisible.
No matter, I’m quitting this gig anyway. The hours are terrible. Word is that there’s a position open for showing people what life would be like if they were never born. The pay is better and you get a pair of wings for every one you do.
Can’t pass that one up. - Trail Staff Writer