 |
          |
 |
Weeks of election anticipation don't match up to results
- By Kimball Bennion
- Trail Staff Writer
- By the time you read this, the midterm elections will have ended. Hopefully, we will have a new “I voted!” sticker to add to our scrapbooks as proof that we have taken part in the democratic process. I come for the stickers, but I stay for the democracy.
This year’s results should still be fresh in our minds, and whether we like it or not, two days will have given us time to accept how our country and state will be run for now.
I, of course, am writing from the past. It’s Sunday night, and I have no idea who our new leaders are. I am hoping we carefully considered the candidates and what they stand for and have made educated decisions based on our best judgment. I hope we have heard the differing viewpoints.
This is very important, even if hearing such viewpoints requires having to cut out a paragraph of your super-hilarious column so as to allow other long-winded individuals the necessary space to talk about real issues. Like Klan rallies. But I digress.
My point is that our right to vote may seem small, but when practiced like it is intended, we are left with great power and responsibility.
This is why there is so much bickering leading up to election day. Many forces are trying to sway us to vote their way, and that makes for a whole lot of partisan good times.
For me, the day after election day is much like the day after Christmas. I don’t just miss the day itself, I miss the weeks of anticipation leading up to it. Getting there is half the fun.
On Dec. 26, I’ll miss the lights and the music, but on Nov. 8, I’ll miss the ads. Yes, television’s political messages are like “A Christmas Story” marathons of the election season. Just as the “you’ll shoot your eye out” line makes me want to warm up some cocoa and trim the tree, the “I’m so-and-so and I approve this message” line makes me want to put on a rain slicker and watch the mud fly.
I will miss the days of turning on the TV and hearing that shady background music as a gruff-voiced announcer says something like, “Som Guye may say he works for Stateland, but does he?” Then the screen flashes up a black and white picture of Som Guye pronouncing a word like “wrong” or “rock” so that his mouth is open and looks angry and oppressive. Bonus points if they can get him pointing his index finger.
The announcer continues, “Som Guye voted yes on a bill to kill puppies. He opposes rainbows and blue skies. He even owns a novelty T-shirt that says, ‘Stateland sucks.’”
The ad then shows a picture of Som Guye at a barbeque with the shirt on and a devilish grin on his face. In sync with a descent-into-a-bottomless-pit sound effect, the picture inverts to negative, making his eyes look empty and evil.
“Stateland needs a senator who works for Stateland, not puppy-killers,” says the gruff voice. Then a brightly-colored shot of the opponent either standing in a cornfield, shaking hands with folks or shaking hands with folks while standing in a cornfield comes on screen with the voice over saying, “I’m T. Otherguy, and I approve this message.”
Of course, Som Guye then retaliates with his own gimmicks. He probably accuses T. Otherguy of sleeping in a coffin and ritually sacrificing goats every full moon. (For those of you keeping score, that’s two goat torture references I’ve made this semester.)
By now, all of that is gone. We can’t even say, “Well, it’ll be back next year,” because we have to wait two years for the election season fun. But look on the bright side. Two years gives politicians much more time to hone their creativity and get even dirtier than before.- I’m Kimball Bennion, and I approve this column.
- Trail Staff Writer