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Trail's next advice column — it could happen like this
- By Kimball Bennion
- Trail Staff Writer
- People always tell me, “Hey, you seem to have it all figured out. What’s your secret? What are you doing that I’m not doing?” They don’t actually. I’ve never heard anyone say that to me ever. But my point is, if anyone were to ask me such a question, I would be happy to give whatever kind of advice I could. It seems like more and more people are in need of good advice these days, and even more people are in need of giving it. There was a time when you had to go to college and get a degree for that sort of thing.
That was then, this is now. Sure, you could pay the big bucks to see a shrink and have him tell you what to do. But ask yourself, was this doctor ever the front man for Motörhead? Did he ever star in the A-Team? Does he pity fools? The answer will most likely be no, unless, of course, you find yourself receiving help from Lemmy Kilminster or Mr. T.
Now, I don’t have the creative power to make something like this up. It is indeed a fact that these two men are adding “advice specialist” to their resumés. Before you start judging, you might want to take a look at some of the advice they give. You may be surprised. Let’s start with Lemmy. Any self-respecting metal-head should know who the man is. His band Motörhead is basically responsible for any fast-paced metal group you see today. The two enormous warts on Lemmy’s face also give hope to any ugly guy who wants to start a band. Clearly, he’s an icon to his fans. Lyrics such as “You know I’m born to lose, and gambling’s for fools, but that’s the way I like it baby, I don’t wanna live forever” are inspiring.
But what about your average reader of magazines like Cosmo or Vanity Fair? Does Lemmy have any advice for them? Apparently yes. Jane magazine once featured an advice column written by none other than Lemmy himself. The column was geared toward women who wanted advice on men. One reader asked if it was OK to read her boyfriend’s journal. Lemmy wisely responded that it was not, unless she was willing to find secrets that she would rather not know. Not bad. It seems like the man knows what he’s talking about.
I’m afraid I don’t know if Lemmy is still involved in that gig. Those who are seeking answers can still e-mail their questions to Lemmy and read his answers via Motörhead’s official Web site.
Our next specialist is Mr. T, known for his work in classics such as The A-Team and Rocky III, his signature look and his fool-pitying. T is back on the television scene with (you guessed it) I Pity the Fool. This is a new “reali-T” series debuting Oct. 11 on TV Land, in which T goes around the country in search of fools who need his help. Struggling businesses, dead-beat husbands, no fool is safe from Mr. T’s pity. He uses tough talk and tough love to straighten people’s lives out. On a preview of the show, one man told him, “I sincerely believe that I’m a better person for having known you.” Take that, Dr. Phil.
So what does it take for people to take your advice seriously? What kind of credentials do you need? Do you even need credentials? As Lemmy and Mr. T have shown us, all you really need is a desire to help. A mohawk or facial warts wouldn’t hurt either.
This brings me to my next and final point. I want to jump on the bandwagon. I’m using this paper to announce to the world (“the world” being Northwest College) that I will start my very own advice column for all who seek the guidance. Let’s call it Uncommon Sense for Common Problems. I may not have the credentials, but, as Mr. T has so wisely put it, “There is no shortage of fools who need my help.” Just to show you that I’m serious, my e-mail address is kimball.bennion@student.northwestcollege.edu. Tell me your problems and ask your questions. I want to take my place in the world of Ann Landers, Dear Abby, Dr. Phil, Lemmy, and Mr. T. You don’t even have to worry about revealing your identity. Just call yourself something clever. Crying in Cody Hall, Dumbfounded on Division St. or Sleepless in Simpson are all worthy suggestions. No problem will go unsolved, no question will go unanswered…unless it’s a stupid one.
So, I’ll be checking my e-mail and brushing up on my A-Team. And if no one reads this or everyone is too shy to send me anything, we’ll just have to pretend this column never happened. - Trail Staff Writer