By Kimball Bennion

Trail Staff Writer

The greatest invention of the 21st century is television seasons on DVD. Thanks to the wonder of DVD technology, you can watch full seasons of just about every television show worth watching. Basically, DVD is the greatest convenience in TV viewing since the remote control.
Through DVD, I recently became hopelessly addicted to a little show called 24. If the title doesn’t give it away, 24 is an action drama that plays out its seasons over 24 one-hour episodes that run in real time. Essentially, the whole season takes place in one very long day. Now, I realize this is old news, anyone who watches enough TV should know about this show, but I’m not writing just to talk about a show. I am raising a voice of warning.
I have watched enough seasons of 24 on DVD to sense a pattern– no one in the world is safe unless your name is Jack Bauer. Given this recent epiphany, I feel it is my duty to give some survival tips based on what I have observed.
1. Jack Bauer is the only person you can trust. You must assume that all of your friends and loved ones, including your own mother, are terrorists or in the very least some kind of mole.
2. Think of anything you’ve done within the last 24 hours. Have you inadvertently overheard a telephone conversation that you shouldn’t have? Have you stumbled upon strange, yet seemingly useless information while hacking into servers? Does your significant other seem shady/carry a gun? If so, you could be in danger. It’s best to lay low and look out for black vans or SUVs that seem to be following you.
3. Pay attention to what time it is. Normally, the most stressful and most life-threatening scenarios that seem to have no foreseen solution happen around the turn of the hour. So if it’s 5:57p.m. and you hear a knock on the door, you better not answer it.
4. This one’s for the ladies. If you’re attracted to the tough, dangerous type, you may be tempted to become romantically involved with Jack Bauer. This is not advisable. Chances are you will die or at least be used as bait by terrorists to try to lure Jack into a trap.
5. If you have political aspirations, you may want to think twice about running for president. People will try to assassinate you all the time.
6. Spotting a terrorist can be hard, but there are a few signs. Be wary of briefcases, laptop computers, rich-looking guys in maintenance uniforms, cool cell-phones, black turtle-neck sweaters, etc.
7. If you start to notice that this may be an unusually dangerous day, try to wait it out until tomorrow. You can rest assured that Jack Bauer will take care of it before the day is over, although with just seconds to spare.
I sincerely hope all who read this take these tips into serious consideration. Your very life may depend on it.